Monday, August 17, 2009

Women + Me: The Official Multi-titled Post

How I deal with women | How women should deal with me | My guide to dealing with women | Why I don't have any female friends.

Warning: Contains a language most misogynous in nature. Feminists: please avoid-- I'm an insufferable, unfair writer. Thank you.

Indeed, I've had enough.

Let us begin...

1. I will not talk to you about men. I reserve my self-formed neutral opinion about them for myself and my own purposes.

2. Don't come talk to me for advice on relationships unless you're willing to hear a cynic, sarcastic opinion possibly involving the random mentioning of porn.

3. Unless a funny, ironic event is involved, I don't need to know about your boyfriend not paying attention to you. Most importantly, I don't care.

4. Black is the way to go. Don't ask me for advice on colour combination unless you're dressing in different shades of gray and black.

5. I think your pink iPod case, pink cellphone, pink bag, pink earphones, pink boots, pink purse and pink wallet are disgustingly corny and lame.

6. Don't ask me how to accessorize, just know that extra-huge sunglasses that cover your nose and half of your forehead are completely avoidable.

7. I will show the same enthusiasm for a Louis Vuitton bag as I will if I found a penis-shaped potato chip. Actually, take that back - finding said chip would be a LOT more awesome.

8. Your obsessive use of the word 'like' with your whiny voice is equal parts horrific and annoying.

9. No, I don't think your chihuahua dog is cute. You might as well would've gotten a rat on a leash.

8. Cars are awesome. Computers are awesome. Your new boots from an Italian faggot designer are NOT.

9. Coffee and beer are acceptable answers. Always. No exceptions.

10. Coffee and beer are also acceptable payment options.

11. I will not go shopping with you like herded consumptive animals. No, I don't care if you have fashion advices for me, I can get clothes for myself ALONE, thank you very much.

12. The next time you wear super high-ridiculously-pointy heels that click-clack with every step and cause you to whine over how painful it is to walk, I will take one and stick it in your ear.

13. When asking for my advice on touchy topics (ie. the sluttiness of your profile picture on Facebook), you have to be prepared for long uncomfortable silences from my part wherein I'm either contemplating how incredibly superfluous and stupid you are or what I'm going to have for dinner.

14. Pointing out my mundane or sporty fashion sense will only get you a one-way ticket to the dark caverns of STFU.

15. Don't give me a speech about acceptable social patterns and early morning hours. I'm quite oblivious to them and I actually question their very own existence.

16. When introduced to you, I will have the blatant, unfair prejudice (redundant much?)
of thinking you are dumb. You, then, would have to prove me wrong. Our possible, albeit not guaranteed, friendship would depend on it.

17. I also reserve the right to terminate our girly-friendship at any time solely based on how monstrous your grammar/spelling is.

18. You are allowed to be as apathetic and cynic as I am. You can ignore it or laugh or even compete with me. You are not, however, allowed to question such moods and suggest emotional therapies that would turn me into a more understanding, tolerable and overall-better human being.

While I understand that generalizing is commonly wrong and I have no official stand point in categorizing EVERY women I've met to any of the points above, I can allege, in my defense, that I haven't actually been proven otherwise... thus far.

I hereby rest my case on why I don't have any female friends.


  1. I love this. I just found your blog today, and it's great. Looking forward to reading!

  2. Just one question... Are you a perfect woman??

    Because it looks like for me!!.. jaja

    I enjoy reading your blog!!

    Saludos!! :-)

  3. I believe emo dudettes or female weightlifters do not fit your bill.
    Imagine a supersized emo wightlifter! She, or it, would find your exquisite ways too feminine

  4. @Cuervodf: I'm far, way FAR from perfect.

    @DawnCorrespondence: Glad you liked it. Thanks for reading and following.

    @Mason: I'm your own biggest fan.